Through Positive Eyes

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I come from Pra pradaeng in Samutprakarn. Hailing from the economically depressed upcountry, I had dreamed of having more money, seeking better security in life.

Once I moved to Bangkok, I did things I would never have done before. Attractive people, bright colors and lights, nice clothes, sound and music—these things could seduce anyone. The city was a new experience for me. I could do anything I wanted for the first time in my life. Like traveling, smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, and going out at night. Greed made me focus on doing anything that could earn me lots of money—the easy job with a big payoff.

Because of all that money, I told myself, “Just give it a try. It won’t hurt you.” I am not sure how I got HIV. It could have been from working for a sex service, from the clients, or it could have been from the girlfriend I had at that time. Life is not a game that we can replay when things go wrong.

Today I live life as an HIV patient. As I take my HIV medication, I lean on the Lord Buddha. He gives me peace and calm. But I am proud that I have learned a lot about life. I got sick, that’s all. What has been done already, I can’t change. If I could turn back the clock, I wouldn’t want to be infected. I wish I could be healthy, as if nothing happened.

As it is, now that I’m 28 years of age, at least my life story could serve as a lesson to others. Some days my life is empty. At the very end all humans leave nothing behind. Being born, making money, getting sick, dying—it’s all the same. A stable thing can also be unstable. I need love, warmth, and intimacy. Loneliness makes me feel like I am in the dark shadows. So, everyday I make my life as happy as I can. I always think that today is my last day because I don’t know how long I will live.

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