I feel like I’m in a constant state of transition. Always. Life has been like an M.C. Escher. Nonstop staircases. From infancy to toddlership, to childhood, to adolescence, to tweenhood, to teenager, to young adulthood, to regular adulthood...and then what? When would you say we become fully adult? 25, when our prefrontal cortex fully develops? Yeah, I guess we’ll go with that. So, I’ve been a fully formed adult now for 9 years, but the transitory nature of the way I experience life hasn’t gone away. Every time I feel like I get to the top of a staircase, another one awaits.

Navigating the staircases of my adulthood has been much more confusing and harrowing than the earlier ones. Adulthood is also different in the sense that sometimes it feels like you’re climbing multiple staircases at once. Because think about it; after kindergarten, you know you’re going to elementary school, then next is middle school, high school, and I don’t know about you, but in my family, it was expected that college was next. Yeah, I didn’t do that. When high school graduation finally came, I was sick and tired of academics and dealing with so much drama. I was bullied pretty bad in high school, and my first love had his friend dump me over the phone. I felt like a total outcast and I was in pain. On top of all that, I was lost and confused. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I didn’t want to get stuck in a job I hated. For a while, my goal was simply to find a goal.

It took me thirteen years consisting of a two and a half year long abusive relationship, two more very unhealthy relationships, one that produced my HIV diagnosis, another unhealthy relationship, a slightly less unhealthy relationship, countless first, second (and last) dates, eleven different restaurant jobs, and a cold calling phone sales job in there somewhere, all while moving twenty five times, in order for me to get through community college, figure out what I’m passionate about, transfer to UCLA, and finish my bachelor’s degree. No big deal, right?

I guess you could say I fell down a couple times on my way to the top of that staircase. I mean, I was drinking pretty heavily and doing drugs for a lot of that time. A few tumbles are to be expected. I actually quit drinking for a year and a half while I finished my bachelor’s degree with a 3.94 GPA. But then I picked drinking heavily right back up right after I graduated. I was self-medicating the deep pain I felt from the trauma I experienced. Also in those thirteen years, my father got sick and died of brain cancer and I’ve been trying to figure out how to grieve ever since.

It wasn’t all bad, though. I became public about living with HIV in 2012 through a national ad campaign with the CDC and found out how healing and fulfilling it is to use that traumatizing experience for something good in the world.

I’ve advocated in federal and state government for common sense policy to support the HIV community and to lobby for continued funding of Planned Parenthood, where I was diagnosed. I’ve written numerous articles for online publications. I’ve even done an MTV documentary special and had a cameo on an episode of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.” Yeah, that’s a real thing that happened, and yes that’s me showing off.

In November of 2017, I met a wonderful man. We stayed together for three years, and even though he ultimately is not the right person for me, that relationship taught me that I’m worthy of healthy love. Through him, I learned what healthy love looks and feels like. Healthy love is open and honest. Communicative. Healthy love does not manipulate or seek to control. It is patient, it is kind. It is built brick by brick, on a foundation of earned trust. Healthy love negotiates mutually beneficial compromise with care and consideration. And for me, I’ve realized that healthy love needs to be sober, and healthy love needs to start right here, with yours truly.

My now ex helped me move here to Seattle in November of last year for my dream job. I’m so grateful and excited to be serving as the Project Manager for Through Positive Eyes and I absolutely love my new living space, Seattle, and the Pacific Northwest. I get to work with our eleven wonderful and inspiring artivists, and I get to engage with people virtually around HIV, art, and holistic health, these topics that I’m so incredibly passionate about.

Today I am grateful to be sober. I’ve been told that early sobriety lasts five years, so I now find myself at the bottom of yet another staircase. I’m actually excited about this one, though. I have more clarity of mind than ever, and my body feels amazing. I’m slowly reprogramming myself out of some deeply ingrained unhealthy coping mechanisms. Through those tumultuous thirteen years I talked about, I approached life as a lone wolf. I called myself a warrior and I got through everything on my own. I actually wore that as a badge of honor. But I’ve realized now that left to my own devices, my best thinking usually just gets me drunk, high, and self-sabotaging.

My sobriety journey thus far has taught me that I actually need support. I don’t have to walk through this life alone and this doesn’t have to feel like a constant battle. I’ve learned that reaching out for help is actually a form of strength. I’m now finally processing my trauma in a healthy way, alongside my loved ones and communities.

There really is no end to this story. I’m still figuring out this whole being an adult thing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is just life. My part in this is to approach my journey moment by moment, day by day, do my best to stay in a mindset of gratitude, take the next indicated right step up, and have faith that everything is going to be okay. When the time is right, more will be revealed.